jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Thu Oct 11, 2007 1:20 pm

i opened the door this morning where i was visiously attacked my a 6ft beetle who called me a cunt and said my mother was a whore.
but i was told theres a nasty bug going around.

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Thu Oct 11, 2007 1:26 pm

what did one saggy tit say tho the other saggy tit?

unless we get some support soon people are gonna think we're nuts!



bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 double whiskeys, and downs them in one. bar man says "whats up mate?" "my youngest son hasjust told me he's gay"
next day the man comes in again and orders 15 double whiskeys "whats happened now?" says the barman "my eldest son just told me he's gay"
next day the man comes back into the bar "barman give me 20 double whiskeys!" "jesus" says the barman "does no-one in your family like pussy??" "yes" replies the man "my wife!"



hey wilton i was in the supermarket today and thought i saw your name on a loaf of bread, turns out it was "THICK CUT" though.
lol!

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Puaj on Thu Oct 11, 2007 3:26 pm

Going to ATM:
********************************************
MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8 ) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
**************************
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
*************************************
Q: Why was Adam the happiest man ever lived?
A: Because he was the only man without a mother-in-law.
****************************************
Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?
A. It will start with "He said..."
geek
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by EvilEd on Thu Oct 11, 2007 9:58 pm

A woman meets a black guy while out clubbing and takes him home...
as soon as she walks through the door she say "ok, show me it's true what they say about black men"

So he stabbed her and robbed her purse...

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:33 am

COMMING SOON! Immigrant TV with all these great shows: currynation street, ahmedale, pakarama, middleEastenders, britains got talibans, you've been bombed postman Pak AND black peter.

and also for our isreali friends we have the ever popular cartoon scooby jew.

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:40 am

womans goes to buy a parrot. one is 200, another 100 and another 25. she asked why is the last one so cheap. " well" says the bloke "he used to live in a brothel" she feels sorry for it and buys the cheap parrot. once she gets it home it sqwarks "fuck me a new brothel!!" woman laughs.
her two daughters come home and the parrot says "fuck me two new whores!!" they all laugh about it. finally the husband walks in and the parrot sqwarks "Fuck me ian i havent seen you for weeks mate!!"



paki goes to the pearly gates and st peter says "what the fuck do you want ya smelly bastard?"
paki turns and says "well im here for jesus."
st peter stands up and shouts "JESUS YOUR TAXI'S HERE!"

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by saibo on Sat Oct 13, 2007 10:35 am

LMFAO RAMPS U DONE IT AGAIN NIGGA!!!!!

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by el_mariachi on Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:21 pm

OH! i Got some sick ones, just saw them on the internet. They're on the McCanns. Permission to tell?
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by misterwilton on Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:12 pm

my name'#s not thick cut, ramps, you've left an 'n' out.
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by misterwilton on Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:12 pm

(entered in the spirit of kicker's response to my rambo reference)
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Sun Oct 14, 2007 7:23 pm

mr an missus blobby are in bed together when mrs blobbly says "blib blob blobby blob blib blob blobby blob"
mr blobby looks at her and says "will you just fucking swallow it already!"

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by misterwilton on Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:53 am

NO NO NO

MR BLOBBY is only a pretendy, rubbery sort of fella, and because he is not real he could not have a wife.

It is also clear from Blobby's many television appearances that he does not, in fact, have genitals of any kind. I am afraid that if Mr Blobby was real - WHICH HE IS NOT - he would be able, in oral sex terms, only to give - for he has nothing with which to receive.

Having revealed Rampo's joke to be doubly invalid, I fold my arms and retire to the snug, where i drink alone. ALWAYS ALONE.
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by saibo on Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:24 am

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by spetsnaz on Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:55 am

It seems Mike Tyson may be more sensitive than we might have thought. He claims that he sometimes cries during sex....... Then again thats what mace is made for!

********************************

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won

********************************

A Scouser sat in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak with the Scouser.
"Do you fancy a blow job?" he whispers. The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says
"Christ! That was a bit brutal - what did he say to you?"
"Dunno" replies the Scouser, "something about a job".

***************************************

Foot and Mouth has been discovered on a scottish farm.

Fuck knows when they will find the rest of Colin McRae

*****************************************

whats white, black and blue and is in trash can?

a baby i just beaten

whats green, black and blue and is in the trash can?

the same baby... but a week later.

*****************************************

Why do niggers and spics always have nice clothes, jewelry and cars but still live in shitty houses?
They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet!

*******************************************

A white chick, a black chick, and a chinese chick are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The black chick, because she's 18.

*******************************************'

What do you say to a Negro in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac and a Coke."
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:52 pm

ENGLANDS HOPE OF WINNING A MAJOR SPORTING EVENT....... EVER!

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Wed Oct 24, 2007 1:40 pm

Brendan wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a yamaha with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Brendan a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Brendan is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Brendan decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Brendan remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Thor! on Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:01 am

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He is sweating and looks a little tired, as if he had just got through working out. He goes up to the bar tender and asks him for a shot of Jack Daniels. The bar tender gives him a shot and the man takes it. A minute later he asks for another shot and the bar tender gives him another, which he drinks immediately. He then asks the bartender for a third shot.

The bartender says, "Hey fellow, hold on, you've just had 2 shot's in 2 minutes." To which the man replies, "I just had my first blow job." The bartender looks at the man and says, "Well then, this one's on the house" and gives him another shot.

The bartender goes on about his business. A few minutes later he sees the same guy sitting at the bar and smoking a cigarette. He goes up to him and asks him if he wants another shot. The man replies, "No thanks, if 3 won't get the taste out nothing will"
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Thor! on Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:20 am

What do you call 3 lesbians in the closet?

A "lick her cabinet"

--------

How do you baby sit a nigger?

Put Velcro on the ceiling and let him jump on your bed.

--------

How do you get him down?

Tell the Mexican kids next door it's a pinata party.

--------

Why do Mexican women wear long skirts?

To hide the fly paper.

--------

What do you call a black man driving a new car?

Thief.

--------

What do you call 10,000 niggers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

--------

Why do women have boobs?

To give you something to look at when you talk to them.
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by saibo on Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:30 am

Lol pinata party, nice one thor.

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by spetsnaz on Thu Oct 25, 2007 2:32 pm

LoL Rampage a long joke but a good one!
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by spetsnaz on Thu Oct 25, 2007 2:32 pm

LoL Rampage a long joke but a good one!
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:24 pm

yeah i thought that too spetz, worth the wait tho lol

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by pvtparts on Thu Oct 25, 2007 11:03 pm

rampage and thor u guys crack me up
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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by Rampage on Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:24 pm

guy in a bar buys a pint takes out a photo from his top pocket, looks at it and puts in back. after his 8th pint the barman asks "why do you keep looking at that photo when you buy a pint? whats on it?" the man replies "its my wife, when she stops looking so damn ugly i'll go home"



a man always insists on shagging his wife in the dark, and after 20yrs the wife turns the light on during sex to find him using a dildo "what the fuck are you doing you impotent bastard? how can you lie to me after 20yrs!!" the husband looks at her calmly and says "i'll explain the dildo, YOU explain the kids"

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Re: jokes! get em all in here! (may be offensive to all)

Post by pvtparts on Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:17 pm

lmao rampage Razz keep the bastards coming
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